Life with Lauren

Have you ever known something deep down in your heart, but your mind doesn't want to get on the bandwagon? I'm so there. I've gotta make a big decision soon....whether or not to go back to teaching. (I am on a "Unpaid personal leave of absence" meaning that my job will be "held" for one school year) If I choose not to return to teaching next year, I am still "tenured", meaning that if I were to apply for a teaching position somewhere else in the system, I would have to be given priority over another applicant without tenure.

I always thought that I would go right back to teaching. It's just something that I love. Try to be open-minded...it's not something that I love MORE than Lauren...but I do love teaching- a lot. But in the past few months, Lauren has changed so much...she has gotten on a better schedule, she has become so much more interactive and just plain fun to be around. And so now I'm really not sure. Maybe I want to be a stay at home mom? (Did I just type that? Wow.)

All my friends that are S.A.H.M.'s tell me that they know that this is what they were born to do, it's all they've ever wanted to do, it's what God has called them to do.... Ok, ok, I get it. But I don't feel the same way. Never have. That's why the whole heart/mind disconnect thing.

I want to provide the best life that I can for Lauren. I wouldn't be willing to put her in daycare while I was teaching. (no offense to anyone who does use daycare) But one of my teacher friends who just had a baby in the fall turned in her resignation and is wanting to keep another baby at her home. So she offered to keep Lauren. And it made me catch my breath. This is what I wanted, right? Down deep in my heart, I wanted to go back to teaching and have someone take care of Lauren who would give her lots of time and attention. But now I don't know.

Down deep in my heart, I do trust that God will provide for us if anything were to happen to Jason's job (he works in the automotive industry, and in case you've been living under a rock, cars aren't selling...so therefore, his company does not have as much business to make parts for cars!) And it's not like my teaching salary would cover all of our bills alone. But I think in my mind that I would feel more secure if I were working as well. It's such a frustrating place to be.

Heart vs. Mind.